The Most Absolutely Fabulous Rant of All Time

Judge: Driving without a license. Driving without insurance. Not wearing a seatbelt. Having no tax disc displayed. Driving over the legal speed limit. Driving under the influence of alcohol. Allowing another person to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol. In the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing, £6,000 of damage to property. Charges of assault and abuse. The charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped. Shoplifting --

Patsy: My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic and what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy. 

Judge: That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne. 

Eddie: Have you any idea how much champagne costs these days? I was forced to steal it. My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it. 

Judge: I must ask you to sit down and stop wasting the court's time. The sum of £50,000 is to be paid by you in damages and a further fine of £2,000. You will also be liable for all cost incurred....

Eddie to Saffron: Well, getting rid of my chauffeur was a little bit of a false economy, wasn't it sweetie? 

Judge: ....and a lifetime ban on driving. And, finally, Mrs. Monsoon....

Eddie: Can I just say one word in my defense, um? 

Saffie: I don't think that's a very good idea, Mum. Your mouth is working for the prosecution. 

Eddie: Oh, darling, this is what I do well, sweetie. You might pick up a few tips for the Debating Society, you never know. Without notes, Saff. 

[Gran claps] 

Eddie: Thank you, thank you.  Right – I, the proposed accused, think that, well, I mean, you know, the day in question was not a good day for me, all right? But I put it to you that I don't see how any day could have been the way this bloody country's run. Well, you know, I was just trying to do my best, trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping. I was trying to take control of my life, you know....only to find that it is actually controlled for me....by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper and ignorant bloody petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny little action until you find you've committed a crime without even knowing it! I mean, you know, why can't life just be made a little easier for everybody, huh? Why can't it be more like the Continent, hmm? You know, where a man can just park his car on the pavement and then run down the street in front of charging bulls whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils without anyone blinking an eye? Huh? Because it's probably a local holiday and nobody's at work because they all want to have just a little bit of fun and they're not intimidated by some outdated work ethic. I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe.

Judge: Is there a point to all this? 

Eddie: Yes! Yes!  Why, oh why, do we pay taxes, hmmm? I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions and buggery-ugly traffic wardens and bollocky pedestrian bloody crossings? And those bastard railings outside shops, so you can't even get in them! I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves! But we're not all stupid! We don't all need nursemaiding! I mean, why not just have a Stupidity Tax? Just tax the stupid people! 

Patsy: Let them DIE! 

Eddie: Yes! 

Judge: Anymore of this ridiculous rant and I'll put you both away! 

Gran: Hear, hear! 

Judge: Edina Margaret Rose Monsoon, I hereby sentence you to....

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