Comic Book Rules – “Director’s Commentary”

I left out explanations and the history for my COMIC BOOK RULES. My COMIC BOOK RULES are, for the most part, meant to be sarcastic and tongue in cheek. (1) Murderous villains are not allowed to murder. They are only allowed to scowl at the heroes and resent them for being heroic. (2) Homosexual and female characters (regardless of ethnicity) should not be injured in any way, shape or form in a comic book. (3) No characters (heroic or villainous) should be killed off if there is a small, but vocal, fan base. The Rules were written and posted by me on a whim one day on the DC Comics message board after I had read complaint after complaint about the death of a character called Tasmanian Devil – not THE Taz; just A Taz – who was once a member of the Global Guardians, an international group of heroes set in the DC Comics Universe – the DCU. Oh yeah, this Tasmanian Devil was a homosexual male. The character was revealed in issue three of the comic book series JUSTICE LEAGUE: CRY FOR JUSTICE to have been killed off screen by a character named Prometheus (a fairly recent [within the last decade or so] addition to the DCU and functions kind of as an inverse of Batman. Tasmanian Devil was killed by Prometheus and made into a carpet. This prompted such a call of anguished (absurd) outrage from fans on the DC message boards that it struck me as absurd. The character of Tasmanian Devil had not been a main character (ever) and to the best of my vast comic book knowledge, had appeared a handful of times in the last 15 years. (4) Characters must remain stagnant – there should be no forward motion in their characterization. The way their creators wrote them while they helmed the character is the way the character shall remain in perpetuity. Rule four came about because many, many, many, many fans and comic book pundits just go apoplectic when their favorite character(s) (sometimes not even their favorite, just a random character they read about 20 years ago) is written differently than their first appearance. Characters in serialized fiction should grow and mature and while they shouldn’t arbitrarily do a 180 in the course of one issue, if a character has been around for 60 years, it should be expected that she/he/it may not be the same as they were back then. I have also read posts and comments from “fans” who feel that only the creator of a character has any right to make any changes to the character. No one else (not even the most celebrated writers of the modern age) have this right. (5) NO MULTIPLE ISSUE ARCS. All comic books should be episodic in nature with multiple done-in-one stories per issue. This is a good one. Many times a story in a comic book will be so vast in scope that it needs to be told over the course of 2 or 3 or 20 issues. Yes, decompression in stories leads many arcs to extend beyond what is or should be a reasonable length. That is not in question. Decompression is a device that is woefully overused by some comic book writers. What is in question is the fervent insistence by some camps that all single issues of comic books should contain one story at the most or at least 3 to 4 different stories with a clear beginning, middle and end within the issue. That’s it. Nothing more. If a comic book writer wants to tell an epic story of the greatest super-hero team’s battle with, and attempt to understand the meaning of, the last god of the old world, then he/she/it should write a novel. Comic books are meant to be done-in-one. (6) No protégé is allowed to replace their mentor. Recently, Bruce Wayne – a.k.a. Batman – was blasted by a fallen evil god in issue 6 of the brilliant mini-series FINAL CRISIS. (There will be a subsequent entry about this masterful story….eventually) His charred corpse was recovered by Superman. In issue 7 of FINAL CRISIS it was revealed that Bruce Wayne (although this little black duck is not truly convinced that Bruce Wayne was wearing the Batsuit when struck by Darkseid, but I digress….) was actually displaced in time (a simplified version of what actually happened for the uninitiated) and is living in the Stone Age. A BATTLE FOR THE COWL (Batman’s cape and cowl) followed and in the vacuum left by the “death” of Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, the former Robin, rose to fill the Cowl of his mentor. This has caused no end to the griping and whining about how no one can ever replace Bruce Wayne and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, Dick Grayson IS NOT Batman. It goes on and on and on. So far, the main story featuring Dick Grayson as Batman in the new series BATMAN AND ROBIN, has been nothing short of brilliant. In spite of the brilliance of BATMAN AND ROBIN, there are still complaints abut Dick Grayson filling the Cowl of his mentor. (7) No character origin should ever be tweaked to fit into a modern setting. Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman were all created over 65 years ago. For a time, they were steeped in WWII stories. Their original origins – the details of the time, setting, etc. – do not work any more, just for the simple fact that is Batman first appeared in 1939ish, then his parents had to have been killed in the early 20s, which would make him a man (not a mutant, metahuman or post human) in his late 80s running around in a Batsuit. (8) There shall be no angst or depressed characters or characters who may lament the state of affairs of their life or surroundings. They must all be happy and well adjusted. This is self-explanatory. People just don’t like their characters to be anything but shiny, happy people. (9) Characters may not marry or procreate unless the creator of the character writes the story of the marriage or procreation. Within the last few years, it was revealed that Bruce Wayne fathered a son with the daughter of one of his greatest enemies and Clark and Lois adopted a wayward Kryptonian son. Both Damian Wayne and Chris Kent are reviled by a good number of comic book fans. I happen to love both Damian and Chris and find them to be extraordinary addition to their respective mythologies. There are also those who advocate a divorce for Lois and Clark. Even though Lois and Clark being married is the most natural progression for two characters in all of fiction. No two character have ever been made for each other more than Lois and Clark. You see, their creator never intended them to have children or to be married, etc, so therefore, no one should have contradicted this edict 70 years later. (10) It is wrong to kill characters off panel, but if you show them getting killed on panel, it is too violent and offensive. Therefore, do not kill off any characters. This is self-explanatory. Characters (not just comic book characters, but ALL characters in every medium) should never be killed off. Never. (11) If a writer has the skills to write in the fashion of a Golden Age comic book, then that is the only way it should be written. The Golden Age is the Age of Comic Books that ran from around 1938 through to the mid-50s. Yes, this period saw the creation of Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman, but the style from that time is too simplistic for me, but for some, there is nothing better than the Golden Age. If I want to read simplistic, one dimensional stories, I’ll go to www.msnbc.msn.com. (12) Never the twain shall meet – which means that every character appears in their own series (and ONLY in their own series) and SHALL NOT (ever) cross over with another character in either of their books. There is no such thing as a "shared comic book universe." Batman and Superman should never have met. Neither should Wonder Woman have ever met Batman and Superman. It goes on and on and on…. (13) There is no such thing as a multiverse. Parallel worlds should NEVER be part of a comic book universe. One life….one world….one love…go to Jamaica and be all right. (14) Horror should NEVER, EVER creep into a comic book. There should also be no blood, no vampires, no zombies and no ghouls, oh my! We should never even see a shadow creep up a wall. (15) "SUGGESTED FOR MATURE READERS" should never, Never, NEVER appear on, in, around, in front of, behind, on the side of, underneath, on top, sidled up next to, get up under, be within, without, above, below, here, there or anywhere within 500 feet of a comic book. DC Comics has an imprint called Vertigo. The history of Vertigo is a tad complex and if you Google it, you’ll find any number of sites with the history of the Vertigo imprint. For the sake of this entry and argument, let it be known that Vertigo comic books present stories that are mature in nature – adult language and situations (and this does include nudity, “foul” language and graphic violence) – but this also includes mature stories – stories that require the reader to think and challenges the reader. This type of storytelling should NEVER appear in a comic. (16) DC specific: showing any enthusiasm for DC Comics or its characters on the DC Comics message board is not proper message board etiquette. I love comic books. Everyone who knows me knows this. I love DC Comics. I get ridiculed for this, but I don’t care. I like what I like and I have problem letting the world know. (17) DC specific: when something (anything – be it a poorly received storyline or the failure of a series or not enough spoilers revealed in an interview or too many spoilers revealed in an interview or DC not attending a convention, etc.) goes WRONG at DC, blame it on DiDio. On the other hand, when something goes RIGHT at DC, give the credit for the success to everyone at DC BUT DiDio. Google the name “Dan DiDio” and read other blogs and posts about him and you’ll get the gist. (18) The Golden Age of Comics is the ONLY Age of Comics. Everything from the Golden Age of Comics – all the characterization, plot trappings, flappers, placement in history, clothing choices and styles, simplicity of story, gimmicks and the WWII settings – should be reinstated/instated in all current comics books regardless of the Comic Book Age in which the character was devised. These Golden Age tropes MUST be used to their fullest extent across all comic book lines. See Rule (11). (19) If a character stars in a comic with a generic title such as ACTION or ADVENTURE or DETECTIVE for more than one year, then that character is the ONLY character that can ever be the lead feature of said book. Corollary: No character is ever to be removed from the lead feature of their book for any reason. If the character is killed off or de-powered (which would contradict rules 4 and 10) or decides to retire (or the creator of that character retires [see rule 4] or dies), cancel the book. No one may supplant the lead in a book. Superman had been the lead character in ACTION COMICS since issue #1 (it is currently up to the 880s). Batman had been the lead in DETECTIVE COMICS from issue #27 (it is currently around the 860s). Both have Supes and Bats have recently been replaced as the leads in these books and to tell you the truth, both series (ACTION COMICS starring Nightwing and Flamebird and DETECTIVE COMICS staring Batwoman) are excellent!!! So the naysayers are just missing out on good comic books. (20) Reading an outline, a summary, a review, an annotation, an in depth analysis, the script or the solicits for a comic book, etc. (all of the above or just one of the selections) equates to actually reading the story or the comic book itself. This equality to actually reading the story or comic book entitles you to comment on the content of any story or comic book and is in some cases MORE insightful than reading the actual story or comic itself. This also means YOU have more insight into a story than the people who actually read the story. This is exactly how it reads. I’ve never watched the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy, but I have read its Wikipedia entry. Does this make me an expert on the story? Nope. I would have to actually watch the films to claim to know anything about them other then their titles and who starred in them. Any questions? (21) If you express a desire for a character to remain true to his/her/its roots and her/his/its established traditions, you will be advised that you are stuck in the specific Age of Comics in which the character was conceived. See (4), (11) and (18). (22) DC Comics message boards specific: if a topic (any topic) can be linked to DC Comics within 6 Degrees of Separation, then the topic SHOULD BE considered ON–TOPIC for the DC Comics message boards. If a topic cannot be linked to DC Comics within 6 Degrees of Separation, then the topic(s) SHOULD BE considered OFF–TOPIC. Codicil: A quorum of tenured DC Comics message board users should be formed to determine if the topic that has exceeded Six Degrees of Separation should be considered ON–TOPIC. Google “six degrees of Kevin Bacon.” On the DC Comics message board, if you can link a topic within six degrees to a DC character of concept, it is on topic. (23) Revealing any genuine enthusiasm for anything – comic books, TV series, movies, novels, video games, etc. – will open you up to all kinds invectives being hurled at you. It is NOT mature or intelligent behavior to eagerly anticipate something. Therefore, do not reveal your enthusiasm. See (16). (24) DO NOT use exclamation points. It is not intelligent or mature to use exclamation points when showing enthusiasm for a story on a message board. See (23). Like Ms. Elaine Marie Benes, I like to use exclamations points!!! It’s in my nature!!! (25) More message board etiquette: DO NOT speculate on the outcome of a story. DO NOT share your conclusions as to the meaning behind a story. DO NOT reveal your theories as to what is actually happening in a story. DO NOT draw comparisons between one story and another story that happens to be from a different medium. DO NOT even attempt to apply the tropes of one medium (i.e. horror [slasher] films) to another (i.e. super-hero comic books). If you partake in any of the above, you will be ostracized and you will be bludgeoned with as many invectives as the filters on a message board will allow. This is fairly self-explanatory. (26) Every comic book story should spell every single aspect of the plot out explicitly. All points of the story, no matter how minute or inconsequential, MUST be shown on the page and in panel. Many fans, readers, perusers, etc., find it objectionable when an author asks of his/her/its readers to think while they read her/his/its staggering works of genius. Everything – E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G – must be spelled out in detail (from the length of the femme fatale’s fingernails to the exact time the sun set the night Bill and Sookie first met). (27) Comic book readers should NEVER be expected to reference other works, use search engines, access their own memories of their life experiences or their memories of prior stories read, etc. Comic books should NOT force the reader to use their cognitive skills, their intuition, their reasoning or any deduction skills. If the story requires any of the above, then the story IS a failure. See (26). Many authors throw little in nuggets of information (names, places, throwaway lines of dialogue, etc.) in the reader who has read other works by the author. Many find this objectionable. Many also object to the references to other works by the author or other authors on the grounds that it is not appropriate for a reader to have to go to (heaven forefend) the internet. God forbid someone has to look a word up in a dictionary!!! That’s just outrageous!!! (28) All comic books that [insert your name] enjoyed and continued to read at the time of his/her/its death shall cease publication when the death of [insert your name] is published in her/his/its obituary. Comic books are written specifically for [insert your name] and no one else, therefore those titles that it/she/he read should also become extinct. Yes, it is true. Some think that everything is made solely for them and when they go, so should some of their favorite things go. (29) The iteration of the character/team/series that I enjoyed the most is the ONLY iteration of the characters/team/series that is valid. All iterations that preceded or followed MY iteration are invalid and ill-conceived. MY iteration is the iteration that ALL subsequent writers/artists should use when/if they take over the series or are assigned to write for the character(s)/team(s), etc. Yes, it is true. “My team (or cast or group of performers) is the only team (or cast or group of performers).” You know what? Sammy Hagar was just as good as David Lee Roth. That's a fact.